teen view

Kay

Hi. My name is Kay and I’m 16 years old. Over the last few years of my life, I’ve gained a lot but I’ve lost a lot too. That includes losing three friends to suicide (Skippy, Tay, and Julz). Each of them took a small part of me with them. I started to feel as if I was lost but I met some other teens that were lost as well. They were able to show me that light and now I would like to do the same for you. I’m here to give you the light that those teens gave to me. Here are some of my recent accomplishments or activities, depending upon how you view them:

  •  I’ve been a teen advisor for a few teen advice sites.
  • FFCC – suicide counselor for 2 years
  • Teen Help – support group advisor (rape, addictions, self-injury)
  • ACC – suicide/rape counselor (1 year)

You can write to me in care of Teen Health Secrets, please put “To Kay” on the email. Thanks.

These pages are going to be about my views on different topics. I’ll talk about some of my deepest beliefs. What do I think are the most important principles that someone should rule their life by? What are my political beliefs? My religious beliefs? I might use this column to write about my beliefs about specific issues, such as: Standardized Tests, or about another topic that is important to me and to other teens.

BTW, I think standardized tests are unfair because they don’t test you on what you know and they try to trick you. What grades you get in regular classes are more important than how you do on some stupid test that you take on one day that you might not be feeling good.

Do you agree or disagree with my beliefs and opinions? I’d love to hear from you. Send me e-mail.

The Beginning by Kay

When graduating from junior high, I left with my diploma in one hand and my best friends beside me. I thought that going to high school was going to be the best time of my life. The summer before high school all I did was spend time with my friends. I had a small-tightknit group of friends and we hung out 24/7. (Caitlin, Liz, June, and Me) I spent most of my time at Liz’s house. She lived only a minute and a half away from me as did all of our friends. As the days approached before school was going to start, I spent all of my time with Liz. Caitlin was at her cottage and June was busy with her sister who was heading off to college. I always asked Liz if she was nervous about starting high school but she always said “no!” So when she reversed the question, I lied. I always said I was fine about it even though I had millions of butterflies in my stomach. The night before we decided that we would met at Liz’s house since she lived closest to the school. The morning of I got dressed and got all ready. I got ready so fast that it was only 6:45 by the time I was done. It started to rain as soon as I walked out the door. I was the first to arrive at Liz’s and she still wasn’t ready. Soon enough Caitlin and June were there and we were ready to go. We all got under the same umbrella and started to walk to school. Getting closer and closer, we began see lots of big monsters. Well actually they were just teenage boys but you enough how it is with boys. When we arrived the hallways were filled with kids. Some were hugging, others were crying, some were even screaming at each other. The school looked so big! Everything looked the same. Caitlin, Liz, and June all ran off leaving me all alone. As they ran off, I just felt like crying. I thought that they were my friends but they just ran off. That’s what started everything in my life. The first real memory of have of high school is the backs of the girls that I called my friends. This was just the beginning of my high school years.    – Kay –

Jake and Me

You know that normally girls always have a really good guy friend, almost like a brother. Well, so did I. Well for me my best “boy” friend was Jake. We met in the beginning of grade nine. He was one of the first people I met after my “best” friends left me. We had known each other before but never really that close.

In grade ten, Jake and I started to talk a little more not too much though. He’s the type of guy that when he wants to talk to you he’ll talk but if he’s with his friends he’ll just kind of ignore you. It was better than having no one though.

I’d been made fun of a lot since grade five and even when I moved away from my childhood home and school. I moved in the summer before grade eight because my parents wanted me to be happy and not be made fun of anymore. They just wanted to help me but them even moving me didn’t help me getting made fun of.

In grade ten, I started to become very depressed and even though I had a great boyfriend I always felt very alone. In class I would normally hide in the back and then during the rest of the day I would take shortcuts to class and just do my best to hide from these people but they would always find me. Sometimes this depressed state I was in would prove to be too powerful for me. That’s when I started to cut myself. Jake began to notice that I was depressed and took me aside one day. “Kay, call me later. We need to talk.” Leaving the classroom, I knew that Jake knew something was wrong with me. I dreaded phoning him tonight but I knew if I didn’t he would do something bad, like maybe tell my parents or even tell my school office.

When I got home that night, I called him immediately. His voice seemed a little deepened with some maturity and anger as he said hello. Jake started to conversation by talking about how worried he was about me. I thought that he had seen my cuts but you know I always wear really baggy clothes to hide the scars and the cuts. Just knowing that he was there for me and he wanted to know what was going on, I knew that I had to tell him. That’s when I finally told someone about my “little secret” for the first time. Jake became really quiet and didn’t say a word for a little while. I knew that it wasn’t a good time for me to talk either, so we just sat there in silence. Finally the next few words out of his mouth were, “I need to talk to you too. I need to tell you something.” That’s when Jake dropped on bomb on my life. “Kay, I have AIDS.”

Personally I knew nothing about AIDS except that it killed people. Jake told me that a girl that we knew had raped him. I know that to some of you it may seem a little strange that a man got raped but it can happen, rather frequently to tell you the truth. Apparently this girl had HIV and didn’t tell anyone. Jake’s story scared me a lot and suddenly told him that I had to go even though I didn’t.

How could my best friend have AIDS? To me it didn’t make any sense. How could a man be raped? Even though I’d been raped before I never thought a man could be. With all of these questions and more in my mind I started to distance myself from Jake, during class, during lunch, and especially out of school. This happened for about a week before he finally confronted me. He told me that all of his friends started to ignore him and almost disown him. I started to think of what a jerk I was being for turning against him when all he needed was a friend. He had always been there for me, almost like a brother and I drop him when he needs me the most. What kind of friend was I really being?

The pain that I was feeling from being leaving me and excluding me was now being given to Jake. I never thought it would happen to him because he was popular but just because of this little thing, everyone just dropped him from their little group like they always did to me.

AIDS Ribbon*About the story of Jake, this story sadly enough is true. Jake was my great friend and a great guy but because of what happened to him a lot of his friends left him because of what happened. He said that he’d probably have to leave the school because of everything that was happening to him. Just remember that AIDS isn’t contagious and just because someone has it doesn’t mean that they are worth any less. Jake and I have worked out our problems and now I go with him to help him deal with his treatments. Even though I know there isn’t a cure for AIDS, I’m still there for him every second of the day. Also I am a recovered cutter. After Jake threatened to stop being friends with me, I went and got help with my cutting. ~*Kay*~

About The Story; This story is about the first time that I was sexually assaulted. This is a letter that I wrote to my best friend who I never told this too. It may trigger some feelings if you have been raped or even if you haven’t. Just to tell you that if you ever need to talk just email me at Cool Nurse and in the subject line write
“To Kay”. Thank you for reading Teen View and keep checking back for more from me.

Dear Stephanie, I know that it’s been a long time since we’ve talked or wrote each other. Things are okay around here except really boring. Tonight I was thinking about things and there is something that I need to tell you. A secret! I really regret never telling you this and I feel that I need too finally.

Do you remember the guy I was dating soon after grade nine started? His name was Mike. Well, if you don’t I’ll remind you a little. We met through my best friend Maggie and we became good friends. Then finally he asked me out. Our relationship was all a secret because of our parents. You know their rules! “No dating before you’re 15!” Mike’s parents also believed he was too young to date so we did it very privately. Only our closest friends knew. The only friends that we decided to tell were Alicia, Steven, Alan, and Natalie but then soon enough, almost everyone knew. Especially one guy who everyone hated. His name was Warren and he was the ex-boyfriend of Alicia. He was very annoying and like his favorite shirt said “I’m multitalented; I can talk and piss you off at the same time.” That was so true with this guy. Throughout my entire relationship with Mike, Warren would hit on me and sometimes even in front of Mike. You can imagine how happy Mike was. Sometimes we thought that Warren had forgotten about us but then there he would be.

Well after a month and two weeks I began to hear rumors that Mike was going to break up with me. I heard this from his friends, my friends, and people I didn’t even know. I tried to ignore it but I just couldn’t. I was so scared that it was true and that Mike didn’t love me anymore. The next person to tell me he was going to break up with me was Warren. He came into the library and told me that Mike was telling everyone that he hated me. Finally I flipped out and went searching for Mike. Finally at the end of lunch I found him. He took me to the library and broke up with me, right in front of everyone. Friends and others that I didn’t know. I was so embarrassed so I ran out of the library. Warren was quickly on my trail. I went right to the office and called my father. I told him that I was sick and needed to come home. I signed out of school and started home. Still Warren was following me. He decided to be “Mr. Nice Guy” throughout this whole thing. You know taking care of you, your shoulder to cry on, and just telling you how much HE cares for you. He walked me almost the whole way home before I started to scream at him. I just wanted him to leave me alone.

When I did finally get home, I cried for about an hour. I looked over to my bulletin board and there was a flyer for our school’s Christmas Dance. It was tonight at 7pm and I had no date. How could I go with no date and with everyone knowing that Mike broke up with me. As soon as school let out, I got phone call after phone call from Warren begging me to go to the dance with him. I told him that I wasn’t going and hung up. I did still want to go but just not with him because he made me feel uncomfortable. I called my best friend Rena and asked her if I could go with her. I explained what had happened with Mike as well. She was very happy to have me come with her.

Well later that night at the dance, I tried really hard to stay away from Warren but he wouldn’t leave me alone. Rena always tried to tell him that we were going to the bathroom but he would sometimes follow us and sit outside waiting for us. He was sweet-talking me and telling me what a beautiful body I had. That’s when I started to notice that he was acting really strange. I got a little scared and try to stay away from him but he was always there. He also started to beg me to dance with him. I agreed after I got fed up of hearing him beg me. When we started to dance, we would grind himself right up against me and I started to feel really uncomfortable but he wouldn’t let go of me. I screamed over to Rena and she gave and rescued me. I begged her and begged her if we could go home and after I told her how he was asking she dragged me out of the school.

The next morning at about 7 am, Warren decided to call my house and he was crying. He was asking me to meet him by the pay phones inside our school. I got dressed quickly and when I arrived at the school, he was already there. “Warren are you okay?” He didn’t speak other than telling me to come with him. I was a little scared going with him but from how he sounded on the phone I knew that something had to be wrong. I noticed that Warren was taking me down by the gym and down there I knew there was no where to talk. “Warren where are we going?” “I know a little spot where we could go and be by ourselves.” In the pit of my stomach I felt something weird but I didn’t know what to do. There was a little dark stairway by the doors to the parking lot. I had been up there once before with some friends but never with anyone else. Warren forced me to go up first and he pushed me up the stairs to make me go faster. When we got up there, he started to ask if I was okay and if I was ready. I was very confused and I started to get up with it happened. Warren got on top of me and started to force himself on me. We were sitting on the stairs so I had my back being shoved into the stairs. Tears started to fall from my eyes in pain and in fear. He kissed me very hard so that I couldn’t scream but I tried to say “NO!” He just wouldn’t stop. Finally he got off me and sat beside me. I tried to get up again but he pushed me back down. He made me look in his eyes and then he took my hand and made me touch him. He took my hand and ran it over “him”. When I stopped he got back on top of me and started to kiss me roughly and started to touch me all over. From over his kissing, I screamed “NO!” but he just wouldn’t stop. Finally somebody came down that little hallway and Warren got a little scared and I ran down the stairs. He followed behind me screaming my name but this time I didn’t turn around. I ran until I found Alicia.

Alicia stopped me as I turned the corner. I told her everything that happened and then she forced me to go to the guidance office. When we arrived, I told Mrs. Morris our guidance counselor and she decided that she needed to have Warren come down to the office for a talk. We agreed that our lunch hour would be the better time. After we left the office, I went searching for my good friend Matt. He was a mutual friend of both Warren and I so I thought it would be good if I brought him with me. I told him everything that happened and he said that he would come. Mrs. Morris told me to be in the office at 1:15 and to make sure that Warren had already been taken into her office. He was taken in her office and then Matt and I came in. We were taken into the other office across the hall. Matt and I sat beside each other and there was a chair in front of me for him. I stared at the chair while Matt hummed some tunes. Suddenly the door opened and Warren entered first. Mrs. Morris walked in a minute later and sat at the desk beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder and started to talk to us.

“Warren, Kay here has said that you have done something to her. Do you know anything about this?” Warren looked up at me and gave me a dirty look. He shook his head and then crosses his arms at me. I looked over at Matt and he offered his hand out to me. “Warren, Kay told me that you were touching her and forcing yourself on her. Is this true?” He shook his head again. “Since no one is talking, would you like me to leave? I’ll come back in about fifteen minutes and you can talk.” Warren nodded but I just stared at the floor. “Kay is that okay?” I nodded too. I heard the door click as she left the room. For a few minutes we all just sat there. I looked over at Matt who was staring back at me. I didn’t know what to say. Matt finally spoke up. He was asking him questions for me that I whispered in his ear. I just couldn’t speak. Even hearing his voice made me want to throw up. Warren apologized but still his tone and attitude were horrible. That’s when I ran out of the room. Matt followed me out and started to cry. Matt begged me to talk to him but I couldn’t.

From that time I never talked to Warren again. I know that Matt did want me too but I couldn’t. How could I talk to him when he had hurt me? Sometimes I look at his picture in the yearbook and I feel sick to my stomach. I’m sorry Steph that I never told you but I never really told anyone. My parents don’t even know. I know that right now you must be really surprised and I’m sorry. I do feel really bad! Thank you for letting me share this secret with you.

Your best bud,
Kay


~ Jewel in The Sky ~

Dedicated to the memory of my best friend Juliette who took her life in May 2001.

“Today we are here to commit the body of Juliette to the ground.” Hearing the priest’s words, I began to cry. My boyfriend Will held onto me closely but I knew he wanted to break down too. The church was packed to the gills with her friends and family who all were mourning the death of a great person. Her name was Juliette.

Juliette and I met in drama. I had joined in my grade nine year and she was one of the first people that I met. Our theatre company was producing three plays. Juliette was the director of one and I was working on another. Even though we weren’t working together we were still able to become friends. In my mind, we almost became sisters. We would gossip, give each other advice, and just make each other laugh.

I came to her looking for advice when I fell in love. Will was also a member of our theatre company and I loved him. After telling Juliette of all my problems with asking him out, she took it in her own hands. The night that my play was going on, Juliette stopped Will and told him to ask me out. She knew that he liked me too. That night Will asked me out and now we’ve been dating for the past year and a half.

Even though she was caring and sweet, Juliette still had pain hidden inside her. We watched as that pain took over her life. She attempted suicide just before grade nine was going to end but her parents caught her. They took her to counseling and therapy every week. Everyone was hoping that she had gotten better but she never did.

The next year of school came too soon for everyone and Juliette got more distant than ever. I remember walking down the hallway and saying “hi” to her but it was like she wasn’t there. The good times that we once had disappeared and it just left the broken shell of my best friend. Throughout the entire school year Juliette was in and out of school because she was going to so many hospitals. We all noticed her absence from her old activities and from school.

May 15 came and school was almost over. Everything seemed to perfect, almost. I came into the school looking for Will. I found him in his usual place of the cafeteria. He was playing solitaire as I walked in the door. “Hey Kay. Do you want to play Go Fish?” “Sure.” Will dealt the cards out and then suddenly our principal’s voice came over the p.a. system. “Sorry for this interruption but can ALL teachers come to the library for an emergency staff meeting. Thank you.” Will and I both looked at each other funny remembering that same announcement from last year when Scott took his life. “Kay it’s not that.” His words were sweet but I knew that something weird was going on.

After playing cards for about twenty minutes, we had to go to Will’s locker to get our books. On the way, we saw a big group of people standing around the trophy case and there seemed to be more people lurking around then normal. After going to Will’s locker we had to say good-bye to go to class. “Kay, look at Glen. He’s crying.” I looked over Will’s shoulder at our friend Glen. His eyes were red but I didn’t really want to believe anything had happened. I kissed Will and went off to class. I had a portable class so I walked down the hallway to the portable exit. Just as I walked out the door I heard someone scream my name. “KAY!” Turning around I saw Will and smiled but then it happened. “Kay, its Juliette.” I looked into Will’s eyes and I knew what he meant. I knew that look from before.

I ran to Will and he hugged me. We both started to cry and that’s something I had never really seen him do before, except when Scott died. Will took me in the school and we were going to go the cafeteria. We ran into three of my friends as we walked in the door. They all gave me a hug as I just cried and Will explained everything to them. The rest of that day, actually the rest of that week is really blurred. I can remember one funny thing though. It’s kind of become a ritual in our school that when someone dies we buy ice cream. Last year with Scott it was Turtles ice cream but this year we bought Coffee Crisp. About 12 of us would us get plastic spoons and dig in.

Her viewing was beautiful! I went with some friends because Will didn’t really want to go and “see” her. When we arrived to the funeral home, we saw some friends standing outside smoking cigarettes. Going in we noticed a board with all the names of the viewings being held there. There it was. My worst nightmare was coming true. Juliette really was dead and I wasn’t dreaming. We walked into the room where she was and there were a lot of our friends there but also her family. I was able to meet all of them during various parts of the night. She had two wonderful parents and the most loving sisters. They treated us as if we were family too. My friends and I said a prayer to God and to Juliette wishing that she’s happy and safe wherever she is. There is one thing that will I never forget for the rest of my life. I watched as her father cry over her casket wishing that she was still there.

The next day was Saturday, the day of her funeral. Lindsay said she’d drive all of us again. She picked me up just before 10 a.m. so that we could be there early. The church was very small and seats were limited. First we got Will, then Mercy, and lastly Judy. We all packed into Lindsay’s little car and we were one our way to say good-bye to our best friend. As we arrived we saw our teacher Ms. Kish walking into the church. She stopped though when she saw us and waited just inside the doors. When we entered she greeted us all with hugs. I had never seen her this broken. I know that the last three suicides at our school were all her students but I had never seen her like this. We all got into the chapel finally and there were a few friends there. One person that I remember more than anything was Juliette’s boyfriend, Tim. He sat there and starred at the back of his chair. He didn’t cry but he just starred. It was something so hard for me to see because I knew that, that would be Will if I ever died. Her family came in just before her casket. They sat in the front row all clung together. A picture of Juliette was placed on top of her casket as beautiful flowers lay all around. The song Who Will Save your Soul by Jewel was placed at the very beginning. Will held my hand tightly as I cried on his shoulder. Jewel was Juliette’s favorite singer and she would sing her songs all the time.

“Today we are here to commit the body of Juliette to the ground.”

Dear Reader, This story that I’ve written took a long time to write. I’ve attempted suicide once before and let me tell you that it’s not worth it! I know that I still may want too sometimes but the thing is if you’ve ever seen the pain and torture your loved ones or even people who don’t know you go through it’s the worst thing ever!

Hold your friends and family close and make sure they know that you love them. If you would like to send me an email please put “To Kay” in the subject line. If you are suicidal and need help people check out some of the links we’ve provided. For more, read the Suicide article and Suicide FAQ at CN.

Useful Resources :

  • Dear Readers, this is a story from someone who would like to remain anonymous. She wanted you to read about her problems and how she over came them. She sent it to me, so I could share it here on my page. (There is a link on the left to the Suicide page where there are suicide hotline phone numbers and resources).

The summer before grade eight, my parents were moving me. At my childhood school, kids would make fun of me and call me names. Sometimes they would even hurt me. My parents and I both got fed up of fighting and me always crying so they picked up my entire family and we moved to a new area and a new school.

The first day I was really nervous. I had always been that one school since I was little and now I wasn’t. My cousin’s friend Andrea went to the school so she was going to help me around. My Mom drove me early that morning so I could meet Andrea in front of school. When we arrived there were millions of kids. At that point, I felt my heart speed up. My mom finally had to go to work so she made me get out of the car. Well actually she had to take me out of the car. Remember the scene from Problem Child 2 where his Dad rips out the car seat? Well that was me. Finally after getting into the school things seemed okay. I remember one entry in my diary that I wrote that day.

“Dear Diary,
Today I started my first day of the rest of my life. No more Erica, Rachel, Ingrid, or Sidney. I had a pretty good day. Everyone was really nice including the teachers. Can you believe that he actually gave us homework? I think this year is going to be better.”

After that entry, my diary seemed to get a lot darker and depressing. The same things started to happen. People were making fun of me and excluding me. I started to keep to myself and even cut myself. I knew that I couldn’t tell anyone what I was doing so I just started to wear baggy shirts instead. People continued to make fun of and I lost a lot of friends. I still had four who seemed to always be there for me but the rest just all left.

Then it started to get worse. No one would talk to me or call me. In classes I always tried to help the teacher so that I didn’t have to hear the comments. I used to help out the family studies teacher a lot because all the kids in my class weren’t my friends. Finally one day I snapped and attempted suicide. I took a bottle of Advil and then went to Family Studies. I passed out on my desk and that’s when my younger friend Ian came into the class. Someone had seen me take the pills and he came running in to save me. He told my teacher that I hadn’t eaten anything all day. He took me out the classroom and soon after I threw up all the pills. Ian was a friend who I had met and we became pretty close. He had me get some counseling but none of it really made it better.

The next time that I attempted suicide was in grade nine. It was just after we had our first exams. I was in geography and I took a whole bunch of tranquilizers. I passed cold throughout the whole class and the next. My best friend covered for me and said that I was just so tired from studying. The last time that I was going to kill myself was March 6th 2000. That day I was so depressed. I had just gotten a new boyfriend but it didn’t change the pain that was already there. I decided that I was going to kill myself that night. As the day went on, I found out that the day before my friend Scott had taken his own life.

I watched all of his friends suffer with the loss and mourning. I know that I really wanted to kill myself but after you see the pain that someone goes through, you’d never want to do that to your friends. Please learn by my two mistakes that suicide isn’t the answer! It’s a way out but it’s not an answer to stopping the problems. You need to fix the problems. I may still think about it sometimes, but you have to understand how it feels to lose someone and see the pain and watch their parents bury a child. – Anonymous

Amy - Teen's Health Expert

By Amy - Teen's Health Expert

Discover the dedicated author behind Teen Health Secrets, an experienced expert committed to providing in-depth knowledge and guidance on various aspects of teen health, ensuring young individuals lead healthy, informed lives.