Introduction

Incest and sexual abuse are at epidemic proportions. Current statistics suggest that one out of four females is sexually abused by the time she reaches the age of 18, with about 75 percent of the perpetrators being family members. One out of 5 males is sexually abused by age 18.

Incest is defined as sexual relations of any kind perpetrated by a biologically or non-biologically related person functioning in the role of a family member. Other trusted adults also sexually abuse children and teenagers; these include: fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, stepparents, grandparents, coaches, baby sitters, clergy, teachers.

It really happens… and not just to other people. Children of every race, religion and economic status are abused and or incested. What makes this problem even worse is that the effects of incest don’t stop when the abuse stops. They stay with the child as he or she grows through adolescence and into adulthood. Self-hatred, alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, eating disorders, the inability to trust and suicide are common results of incest and sexual abuse.

What Kids Can’t Say

A small percentage of kids who are being incested find the courage to tell someone. These disclosures can be as painful as the incest itself; the child believing he/she is telling on someone he/she loves and reliving the horrible experience. They don’t want to cause problems, they just want it to stop. No one really knows what makes one child disclose and another not. We do know that it is incredibly important for a disclosure to be heard respectfully and to be believed.

Often when a child discloses incest, he/she doesn’t have words to answer all the questions adults ask. They simply don’t understand what is happening. Adults who are already uncomfortable, get frustrated and the whole thing gets dismissed… the child was “making it up” or “fantasizing.” Most likely, the child won’t tell again. After all, he/she wasn’t believed, so why bother. And regardless of when the incest stops, the effects on the survivor last for years.

Every child is vulnerable to sexual abuse. Since one out of four females is sexually abused by the time she reaches age 18 — that could include you, or a friend, or a brother or sister of yours. Today’s teenagers and children must face the possibility that someone may hurt or take advantage of them. Very young children, as well as older teenagers, are victimized. Almost all of these children will be abused by someone they know and trust: a relative, a family friend, or a caretaker. If you were ever sexually abused, even if it was years ago, it is okay to tell a trusted teacher, school nurse, guidance counselor or friend.

Sexual Abuse Can Be Physical, Verbal or Emotional

Sexual abuse includes:

• sexual touching and fondling
• exposing children to adult sexual activity, including pornographic movies and photographs
• having children pose, undress or perform in a sexual fashion on film or in person
• “peeping” into bathrooms or bedrooms to spy on a child
• rape or attempted rape

Of course, this list goes on. Sexual abuse involves forcing, tricking, threatening, or pressuring a child into sexual awareness or activity. Sexual abuse occurs when an older or more knowledgeable child or an adult uses a child for sexual pleasure. The abuse often begins gradually and increases over time.

The use of physical force is rarely necessary to engage a child in sexual activity because children are trusting and dependent. They want to please others and gain love and approval. Children are taught not to question authority and they believe that adults are always right. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse know this and take advantage of these vulnerabilities in children. Sexual abuse is an abuse of power over a child and a violation of a child’s right to normal, healthy, trusting relationships.

Signs of Sexual Abuse – Signs that often go unnoticed

Because most children cannot or do not tell about being sexually abused, it is up to concerned adults or friends to recognize signs of abuse. Physical evidence of abuse is rare. Therefore, we must look for behavior signs. Unfortunately, there is no one behavior alone that definitely determines a child has been sexually abused.

The following are general behavior changes that may occur in children and teens who have been sexually abused:

• Depression
• Eating Disorders
• Sleep disturbances
• Nightmares
• Physical complaints
• School problems
• Withdrawal from family, friends, or usual activities
• Excessive bathing or poor hygiene
• Anxiety
• Running away
• Passive or overly pleasing behavior
• Low self-esteem
• Self-destructive behavior
• Hostility or aggression
• Drug or alcohol problems
• Sexual activity or pregnancy at an early age; promiscuity
• Suicide attempts

Additional Symptoms

Children and teens who have been sexually abused frequently have more specific symptoms:

• Copying adult sexual behavior
• Sexual play with other children, themselves, toys or pets
• Displaying sexual knowledge, through language or behavior, that is beyond what is normal for their age
• Unexplained pain, swelling, bleeding or irritation of the mouth, genital or anal area; urinary infections; sexually transmitted diseases
• Hints, indirect comments or statements about the abuse

Sadly, some childhood’s are lost forever.

The Silent Problem

Often children and teens do not tell anyone about sexual abuse because they:

• are too young to put what has happened into words
• were threatened or bribed by the abuser to keep the abuse a secret
• feel confused by the attention and feelings accompanying the abuse
• are afraid no one will believe them
• blame themselves or believe the abuse is punishment for being “bad”
• feel too ashamed or embarrassed to tell
• worry about getting into trouble or getting a loved one into trouble

Silence enables sexual abuse to continue. Silence protects sexual offenders and hurts children who are being abused. Sexual abuse is an extremely difficult and damaging experience. Today there are many resources to help victims and their families. Children no longer need to suffer in silence.

No one can ever regain the childhood years they lost to sexual abuse or incest.

Feelings

Children and teens who have been sexually abused feel many different (and often overwhelming) emotions, including:

Fear

• of the abuser
• of causing trouble
• of losing adults important to them
• of being taken away from home
• of being “different”

Anger

• at the abuser
• at other adults around them who did not protect them
• at themselves (feeling as if they caused trouble)
• because “something is wrong with me”
• because they feel alone in their experience
• because they have trouble talking about the abuse

Sadness

• about having something taken from them
• about being betrayed by someone they trusted
• about growing up too fast

Guilt

• for not being able to stop the abuse
• for believing they “consented” to the abuse
• for “telling” — if they told
• for keeping the secret — if they did not tell
• about being involved in the experience
• about their bodies’ response to the abuse (if they found it pleasurable)

Confusion

• because they may still love or care about the abuser
• because their feelings change all the time

Protecting Yourself and Children

Parents want to protect children from sexual abuse, but they can’t always be there to do that. Since that is the reality in life, children and teens need to know about sexual abuse in order to increase their awareness and coping skills. Without frightening children and teens, we need to provide them with appropriate safety information and support at every stage of their development.

Even the best educated child or teenager cannot always avoid sexual abuse, children who are well prepared will be more likely to tell if abuse has occurred. This is a person’s best defense. As a teenager you need to know:

• you are loved and deserve to be safe
• the difference between safe and unsafe touches
• the proper names for all body parts, so you will be able to communicate clearly
• that safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers
• that your body belongs to you and nobody has the right to touch you or hurt you
• that you can say “no” to requests that make you feel uncomfortable — even from a close relative, family friend or friend
• to report if any adult asks them to keep a secret
• that some adults or siblings have problems
• that you can rely on others to believe and protect you if you talk about abuse
• that you are not to blame for sexual abuse
• to tell a trusted adult about abuse even if you are afraid of what may happen

Listening To A Child or A Friend

If someone trusts you enough to tell you about an incident of sexual abuse, you are in an important position to help that person recover. The following suggestions can help you provide positive support. Keep in mind that sometimes it’s important just to listen.

Do:

• Keep calm. It is important to remember that you are not angry with them, but at what happened. Children can mistakenly interpret anger or disgust as directed towards them.
• Believe them! In most circumstances children or teens do not lie about sexual abuse.
• Give positive messages such as “I know you couldn’t help it,” or “I’m proud of you for telling.”
• Explain to the person that he or she or he is not to blame for what happened.
• Listen to and answer the child’s questions honestly.
• Respect the person’s privacy. Be careful not to discuss the abuse in front of people who do not need to know what happened.
• Be Responsible. Report the incident to the Department of Human Services in your state, or to a guidance counselor, or to the school nurse or to a teacher that you trust. They can help protect the person’s safety, they can contact the Department of Human Services, and provide other resources for further help.
• Help them get help. Getting competent professional counseling, even if it’s only for a short time is essential.
• Call the sexual assault crisis center nearest you. In the United States, to be automatically connected with the crisis line of the crisis center nearest you, please call the RAINN hotline, toll-free, at 1-800-656-HOPE . That is a good place to start!

Don’t:

• Panic or overreact when the person talks about the experience. People need help and support to make it through this difficult time.
• Pressure the person to talk or avoid talking about the abuse. Allow the person to talk at her or his own pace. Forcing information can be harmful. Silencing the person will not help her or him to forget.
• Confront the offender in the person’s presence. The stress may be harmful. This is a job for the authorities.
• Blame the child. SEXUAL ABUSE OR INCEST IS NEVER THE CHILD’S FAULT !

FYI , no child or teenager is ever responsible for the actions of an abuser, adult or otherwise. You may feel you are to blame for your abuse. You may feel lots of different emotions, this is normal and a necessary part of the ‘healing process’.

Remember, there is ‘life’ after abuse. If you talk to someone: a teacher, a therapist, or a trusted adult, you may find that the feelings of anger, shame, guilt and depression start to fade away and that your life can have a brighter future, full of promise. Even though your memories of abuse may never go away, you can learn how to file them away into a place where they will be safe and you will no longer be haunted by them. Those nightmares may go away too, mine did.

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There is no magic cure for sexual abuse or incest. Each year, beginning in 1999, the Incest Awareness Foundation will organize a “To Tell The Truth Conference” for the greater New York area in the U.S. Started in 1992 by adult incest survivors, To Tell The Truth has become a nationwide network within which survivors can be heard and can heal.

Many people’s lives are touched by incest. You may have a friend or family member who is a survivor. You might be a survivor yourself. The effects of incest on our community are staggering. If you need someone to talk to about abuse or incest please call RAINN at 1-800-656-HOPE or in the United States, the Incest Awareness Foundation number is 1-888 -547-3222. See the Hotline page, there are new phone numbers there, I have had complaints about RAINN!

• See our Self-Injury page for more on that topic.

Resource on the Web, there are many good resources on the web, here are some that I have found especially good for some reason:

• Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Inc.

World Service Office for Incest Survivors.

• New A Boy’s Story – The Spirit of Innocence, The Gift of Sight
  (a must-see site for all survivors)
• Memories of Adult Survivors, by a Ph.D. at Boston University School of Medicine
• Resources for Survivors
  Long list of sites and newsgroups for all survivors.

A male survivor’s page

• Adult Survivors of Child Abuse – Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and neglect.

One Survivor SpeaksI am a survivor of incest and it feels good to write that now. The incest started around age 3 and lasted about 7 years, until I had the guts to tell my mum, who believed me. She divorced my father and we moved far away from him. My father was the perpetrator. I will spare you the details as I don’t think that’s so important now. I didn’t know then what other kids did with their fathers, I never knew anything else. When I realized that I was different around age 12 after talking with girl friends, I started to self-injure. I think because it felt like a release of some of the guilt and shame I had about being an incest survivor… not victim. You see part of me thinks that I “should” have told my mother sooner. But I was a little girl and this was the secret my father and I had. I didn’t like it but I didn’t know anything else. I went through the “promiscuousstage” when I was about 15- 17 and I knew that this was NOT normal or healthy, so I found a therapist through my school. Then I realized that this too was related to the incest in my past. I think it touches every aspect of my life. Even if I don’t want it to.I think cutting is about transferring the emotional pain to the physical pain, I believe that is my situation. I cut or injure myself with a knife that I have, it is not very sharp.I have been in therapy for about 5 years now. It has helped a lot with the incest issue, but I am still cutting when I feel anxious or upset. I think it is like a smoker who knows it is not good for them but they keep smoking anyway. I hope one day I can stop. I am no longer a victim, I AM a survivor and now I can live through anything, so that is a start. Thank you for letting me share this with you. Cindy, Age 23 — Melbourne, Australia

Thank you Cindy for sharing a part of you with us.

Read: “The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse On An Adult Survivor”. Next…

Adult Survivors Speak Out!

WARNING: The “experiences” on this page, may trigger memories of ‘survivors’, please read with caution. Through the sharing of our lives and ‘stories’, we help ourselves heal and hopefully help others not feel so alone with this horrible crime that changes the lives of so many forever.

I don’t have time for all the airy fairy, let’s gather crystals and dance naked under the moon bullshit. I’m angry and if I find one of those bastards who abused me I’ll rip their necks out with my bare teeth. Men have no idea the effect that taking a child’s innocence away has on later life. As they ‘get off’ with girls who are at the time powerless they would not care even if they did know how they are effecting a whole life. The shame of never feeling as good as others, and worse of all, that deep, heavy, dark shadow that is always sitting there inside, like someone downloaded a program into you when you were being manufactured and you cant erase it.- I wish some men could be erased. I will heal one day, but there will NEVER be forgiveness. – Someone in Australia –

I was sexually abused by my stepfather for years. At first it was strange to me, I think I was about 5 years old when he used to brush up against me, I didn’t know why he did that. Later he went on to fondle my genitals, I believe this went on for about 8 years, although I still have periods of time that I really can’t account for — like I was watching a movie and missed part of it. BUT, I do know it was all very real. I think it’s different when you are a man. Young boys are often sexually aroused when fondled, that’s just a reflex by the body, but adds to the guilt and shame of it all. It just made it more confusing to me. I hated this man, I didn’t want him to touch me and yet I would get an erection. I am told this is normal. I am still trying to remember that I didn’t ask to be touched!!!

When I was around age 10, he started to rape me. He said no one would believe me if I told and that I would be sent to a foster home, away from my sister who I loved very much. I never told anyone until I was 15, then I told a teacher who knew that I was depressed, years later I found out she had been abused too. Back then, I used to kind of leave my body and go away into a dream world where he was not and when the abuse was done I would return. I had nightmares for years, I couldn’t wait until I was old enough to get the hell out of there and go into the Air Force. I later went to college, but the abuse has touched every part of my life. I have two children of my own now, I cant imagine ever doing something so awful to my children. I don’t know why some people are pedophiles, I just have to live my life the best that I can. I had to break all ties with my mother and stepfather when I went into the Air Force and I do not regret that. (I’m not suggesting that this is the correct thing to do).

If a child, teen or an adult tells you they were abused, just listen to them. No one lies about this nightmare. Thank you for reading this, I hope it helps someone. – Mark H., Baltimore, USA –

Thanks to you all, more soon, silence helps no one but the abuser.

Recommended Reading: Click on a image to learn more or to purchase.
We appreciate any sale made through us. We receive 2%, so that is not our reason for recommending books, although, the change adds up. Thank you!

Both of these are excellent and healing!

Surviving Childhood Sexual Abuse Practical Self-help for Adults Who Were Sexually Abused as Children – May 23, 2002 — I just read this book, the best book I have ever found on surviving abuse. (I do know).

I Never Told Anyone: Writings by Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass; Louise Thornton – A reissue of the now-classic anthology (with more than 60,000 copies sold) of deeply moving testimonies by survivors of child sexual abuse–with a new afterword by Ellen Bass, co-author of The Courage to Heal. (May 2003 – another good book).

The Wounded Heart By Dan Allender – An intensely personal and specific look at the most “soul deadening” form of abuse, sexual abuse. It is personal because it may be affecting you, your spouse, a close friend or neighbor, or someone you know well at church. And specific because it goes well beyond the general issues and solutions discussed in other books.

When Rabbit Howls by Truddi Chase – To escape the horror of violent abuse, the two-year-old child “went to sleep” and created the inner world of the “Troops”, the 92 voices that shielded her from pain, but that she didn’t know existed until adulthood. This is a journey through the fragmented world of the multiple personality (DID)– told by the Troop.

The Courage to Heal Workbook For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse By Laura Davis – In this groundbreaking companion volume to The Courage to Heal, Laura Davis has created an inspiring, innovative, in-depth workbook for all women and men suffering from the effects of childhood sexual abuse.

The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Featuring Honoring the Truth: A Response to the Backlash by Ellen Bass; Laura Davis – An updated and revised edition of the classic bestselling guide (more than 700,000 copies sold) that has inspired millions of women survivors of child sexual abuse and helped them down the road to recovery.