When is Sex Okay? How Do You Know if You’re Ready?
How do you know if you’re ready for sex? This is a tough question even for adults. There is no simple answer to this question and no one can answer this for you. The answer is when you are ready to cope with a sexual relationship, and this varies from person to person. Sex has consequences, you already know that those include the potential for pregnancy and STDs.
There is no correct age at which you are “supposed” to have sex (wouldn’t that make it easy). “Okay, I’m 18 now, it’s time to have sex “, BUT, it doesn’t work that way. Everyone has to make a very personal decision about what is right for them. How does one decide when the time is right to have sex for the first time? Asking yourself the following questions is a good start and might help you determine how you really feel without the pressure from friends or that “special person”:
Remember to evaluate your own motives, expectations and talk honestly with your sexual partner.
| Do you have any moral, religious or cultural convictions that might make deciding to have sex the wrong decision for you? Maybe you want to wait until you are married? |
| How do you feel about the relationship with your partner that you are in at the moment? |
| What do you think might happen as a result of having sex? Do you really understand the potential consequences? The physical and emotional consequences? |
| How do you think you will feel about your partner and more importantly, about yourself? |
| What do you know about STDs and birth control? Read our sections of course! |
| What are each of you willing to do to prevent these situations? |
| Right now — how do you feel about your partner? Do you trust, respect and love him or her? Are those feelings mutual? |
| Do you feel pressured to have sex? Is there pressure from your partner, friends or any other reason? |
| Do you feel that you and your partner can make a decision right now and does it feel comfortable to you? |
| Can you talk openly to your partner about your decision? |
These questions should stimulate thought and discussion with your partner, and some teens can even talk to their parents about these questions. Most parents when approached realistically will try to understand and be helpful. You should know your parents well enough to know if you can discuss this topic with one of them. For many teens, this not possible. An older brother or sister might be willing to talk to you about this.
You cannot expect to understand what your partner or parent is thinking or expect him or her to understand what you are thinking without discussion. Open discussion is easily the most important part of getting ready to have sex (for the first OR the tenth time). You must know what your partner feels, what each of you are comfortable doing, and what each of you will do to prevent pregnancy and/or the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases. Remember, your body belongs to you and you have a right to take care of it.
Legally Speaking
You should know that the law varies on the age of consent (the age under which it is a crime to have sexual intercourse) in different parts of the world, but it usually ranges from age 16 to age 18. This is also true for the United States, although in a few states it is younger than 16. You would be breaking the law if you had sex before the age of consent in your state. Find out what the “consensual sex” age is in your state, especially if you are dating someone older than you are! * See “Age of Consensual Sex”.
People decide to not have sex for a variety of reasons. Many teenagers have chosen abstinence. Many people do not want to take the risks of having sex until the relationship is a long-term one. Some decide to wait for religious or moral reasons and others just do not feel they are physically or emotionally ready. It’s not “weird” to decide not to have sex. Some people decide to practice “secondary virginity”. Even if you have already had sexual experiences, it is possible to choose abstinence from now on – until the time is right.
If you decide that abstinence is right for you, there are lots of things you can do with your partner to show him/her how much you care instead of having sex. You can go for a walk on the beach together or give each other a massage, make supper together or just enjoy spending time together. As long as your sexual touching doesn’t involve the exchange of body fluids, touching may be O.K. for you. Some people decide to have “outercourse” instead of “intercourse” and some people enjoy mutual masturbation. See the Sexual FAQ section for more on these topics.
Overall, nobody is ever completely sure that they are ready to have sex. If you feel comfortable with all the questions above and have had an open and sincere conversation about sex with your partner, then maybe you are ready. However, if you don’t feel totally comfortable with any part of the situation then you probably aren’t ready. It might help to talk to someone you trust about the pros and cons of each decision.
If your parents or a parent are approachable, and you think you might be able to talk to them about love and sex, talk to them. If you can talk to your parents it will help them trust you more and improve your relationship with them too. And unlike one of your girlfriends or one of the guys, your parents won’t gossip about you! If you have a parent that is divorced, they might be going through some of the same decisions you are too.